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I Wish I'd Rhyme, But I Can Not


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Random words at 6 am, unable to sleep, thinking about md, my life, and such...

--- ~~ ---

The Mur

I wish I'd rhyme, but I can not
My thoughts are mine, my words are not
I wish I've seen, but I was blind
How could have been, what was behind


In shattered glass, In pints of pain
I drink my past, I drink in vain
Where is the kingdom that I lost
Where are the years that I exhaust


My words are few, but they obey
I tame my thoughts, and make you stay
For if you knew what was behind
You lots would see what is my kind


I hide in lines, in code I see
What others only guessed could be
I turned my tears, my tears you see
To build the walls, that set me free


As walls grow moss, so did my soul
To cover past, to cover all
I built my walls, but walls do fall
So kept my guards, most dear of all


My shield is wide but is not wood
On plains of dreams I wish I could
To shield my pride, I wish I would
Instead to hide, to scream I should


My sword is sharp but is not steel
My heart does burn, but I don't feel
I wish i'd finish, but I can't
One day I'll lose me, but you won't


I'd shed my tears, if any left
To heal the walls I can't forget
I mount my horse and hit the spur
For nobody knows what is a Mur.


END

--- ~~ ---

p.s. made some minor changes.

Edited by Muratus del Mur
Gave it the obvious title
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You do rhyme, but not all in time
your thoughts are mine but not in time
and you do see but are still blind
what could be, but still behind

in a little glass, in quarts of pain
you drink your past, but not in vain
your Kingdom is there, it is not lost
if you plan, you make the most

your words we hear and all obey
your thoughts are wild, thats what makes us stay
we do know what is behind
and no one knows,what is your rhyme

you hide in lines, and codes we all see
but to hide your tears, we don't see
we tear down the walls you build
and we will never let you be

to end the this rhyme
that is in time
is it enough
to catch you up?
King Bull

Edited by King Bull
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I like your poem, Mur. There is something genuinely melancholic about it and so it made me feel a little sad.. about a few things. Was this really a product of your lack of sleep or is it you being over exposed to the enigma that is Grido? We may never know...

Seriously though, thank you for letting us see your poem, I look forward to seeing more of it.

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[quote]Was this really a product of your lack of sleep or is it you being over exposed to the enigma that is Grido? We may never know...[/quote] :D

i like it, i wanted the thread to be called "I wish i'd rhyme, but i haven't time" that's before i read the poem, which is good, i like it :D

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Dramatical and somehow sad, I wonder if this will fit with your book or is it something completly different?

For me, there are 3 persons in you: Manu, Muratus del Mur and MUR (the mix between first both)

I especialy like the

[i]"I hide in lines, in code I see"[/i]

Nice work, is there something you want to tell us with it? Life is a bit** ...we all know...

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Sounds nostalgic. what you've tried to convey is touching, what something most people would ponder about and would associate themselves with.

Edit: Actually, it sounds scary.... this part especially:

I wish i'd finish but I can't
One day I'll lose me but you won't

and this part sounds as if you need a long long break:

To shield my pride, I wish I would
Instead to hide, to scream I could

Edited by Esmerelda
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You say you dont feel
but that is not true
for muratus del mur
Mur or manu

in darkness you hide
and in light you guide
you cant help but impart
what you feel hidden inside

for you are a person
and you are a soul
clues are left behind
as you lay out your goal

in the words you speak
as you execute your plan
you cannot help it
for you are Man.

Edited by Asterdai
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As someone so nicely pointed out, matching rhyming words is not enough for poetry. It might be difficult to get some things to rhyme, and it seems i failed in certain points (i had no idea that identical words are not considered rhyme). It seems that both online and offline the reaction to this ...poem attempt .. was to reply with other rhyming words (sorry i cant call them more). I am wondering, to avoid wrong assumptions due to the "language barrier" was this sort of a "keep trying" reply? For example when a "fellow programmer" sends me a bit of code to tell my opinion about it, if i say its nice, then send him a different version of the code, to do the exact same thing, its probably because i want to show off i could do better. Since here it was not the case, i am curious what could possibly make you reply in rhymes? ..because if i were to reply in rhymes to all the poems i liked or disliked on the net , i would write a poetry book by now.


..
Also to reply to someone that pm'd me his (valuable) impressions, i will write here. I posted on the (public) forum to get a public opinion, not a pm about it.


[quote]Line 7 (kingdom lost) and line 28 (you won't... lose me) hint at two different themes. If we won't lose you because MD is your legacy, then what kingdom was already lost? Hinting at two slightly different themes confuses. I'd like to see one more verse after line 28 elaborating the legacy theme, and change kingdom to something less -- grand? "childhood" perhaps?[/quote]

And i was thinking making you read between the lines was the biggest achievement i could get with a poems, now you want me write it out in plain text? No it is not childhood, and no this is not a "guess that word" riddle.

[quote]Line 2 & 9 contradict about owning your words. Suggest replacing end of line 2 with "the words come not"[/quote]

Line 2: "My thoughts are mine, my words are not" ... Line 9: "My words are few, but they obey"

first one means "i'm not talking in my own words", since English is not my main language, second one means that those few words that i have (praise google for giving me more), obey what i want to say..like saying much with few words.

[quote]Line 27/28 don't rhyme as well as the rest of it. Stands out.[/quote]

I wish i'd finish but I can't
One day I'll lose me but you won't

yep ... kind of clumsy "rhyme" if any at all. hmm..i'll see how i can improve that.

[quote]Line 3 "I've" (I have) seems the wrong conjugation. "I'd" (I had) would work better, but you're perhaps avoiding repeat of line 1?
[/quote]

Is repetition so bad? (i have no clue) . If it is indeed a grammer issue i will change it, ...honestly, it is a miracle if that is the only grammar mistake i did in this one, if you see more please let me know.

Thank you for your enlightening opinions

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Repetition often seems weak in a poem (and in prose, too, but that's a different story). Repetition [u]can[/u] be an effective device in writing when it is done intentionally, but the intention should be obvious.

You are exactly right when you say rhyming words are not enough for poetry, which is why I complimented your metrics (you do better with meter than many of the English-speaking would-be poets in MD). I backed away from my suggested alternative words for the very reason that a poem is first and foremost a personal thing, and rhyming is not enough. As an aside, poets of the old school wanted to see rhyme, meter, and metaphor in a poem.

Contemporary poetry rarely uses rhyme or meter, but I think many would-be poets don't really grasp the rule "don't break the rules until you understand them". From my perspective, it is considerably more difficult to write an unstructured poem than a structured one, for failures in unstructured poetry are spectacularly bad.

Somebody asked Housman what poetry is, and he replied that he did not know, but could tell a poem when he saw one. A true poem arrests the reader and evokes a strong emotional or even physical reaction (Campbell relates this phenomenon in Art to the sign stimulus of Biology). What you have written is a poem by that standard, which in my mind is the only criterion that matters.

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i never wrote any poem before, and i have no idea what a poem should be structured like, but i am shocked (thats not a to big word) ..actually deeply shocked, of what one could do with a poem. I was trying to achieve something similar by way more complicated ways (just look at md). It seems with a few words it is possible to say a lot more than with a lot of words. The most impressing thing is that you can say things out in plain text and only a few notice it, some thinking you just placed the words there because they rhyme. I believe i just found a new tool of expressing mysel... now the problem is , same with drawing, i might do "some" but i am far from being good at it.... anyway, my free time just got less, a new hobby :P)

side note:
i feel rhyme is like surrealistic drawing/painting. You need to be able to do it before you can go wild and NOT do it. Just doing abstract things or rhyme-less poetry from the start , in my opinion, it means you can't actualy rhyme and still keep the meaning.
Rhyme "binds" the words, turns a series of thoughts in one single thought that combines the entire meanings...... technically...poetry equals magic ..in a way. not sure if i can explain what i mean right, not sure if i want to.

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Yes, I think you have the idea exactly. Welcome to the journey! I will help you to the best of my ability, and I think others will do the same.

Perhaps you can help me with my atrociously bad coding sometime. :P (this is not to say your poetry is atrociously bad - it's quite good, especially considering you are writing in a second language. But my coding really is horridly bad.)

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[quote name='Muratus del Mur' date='31 May 2010 - 07:06 PM' timestamp='1275350785' post='60722']It seems with a few words it is possible to say a lot more than with a lot of words.[/quote]

Thus, the haiku stands
Brevity at the extreme
Without lack of depth.

[quote name='Muratus del Mur' date='31 May 2010 - 01:58 PM' timestamp='1275332281' post='60712']i am curious what could possibly make you reply in rhymes? ..because if i were to reply in rhymes to all the poems i liked or disliked on the net , i would write a poetry book by now.
[/quote]

Why speak with poems?
It isn't overly hard.
So, why not? It's fun. :P

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I'm sure i can teach anyone coding, but i am also sure nobody should be taught poetry or it will become fake and .. constructed .. if that makes any sense..

umm, and ..just so you know...i speak better english than i write romanian ... but its nice to use my lack of language skills as an excuse...shhh don't tell anyone :P

the only language i speak fluently is PHP :D..and even that I am about to forget (i need more room for better things in there :P )

plus .. lets see if i can still rhyme after grido goes away, i tend to mimic other people abilities, shh..now you really didn't heard that :D

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