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Seasons Greetings From The Health And Safety Executives


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The Health and Safety Executive sends warm greetings to everyone and would
like to take this opportunity to issue a few seasonal reminders for your
own comfort, convenience and well-being. We are legally obligated to make
you aware of the following.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go,
Laughing all the way.

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh can be considered
safe for members of the public. We must also consider whether it is
appropriate to use only one horse for any venture involving a risky
activity like dashing. Please also note that permission must be gained from
landowners before entering their fields, and we request that laughter be
subdued and not loud enough to be a noise nuisance.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whereas the gift of gold is still considered acceptable, as it may be
redeemed later, frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate because of the
risk of oils and/or fragrances causing allergic reactions. We would not
advise that any traversing royalty should rely solely on stars as
navigational aids and suggest the augmented use of RAC or AA-approved
satellite systems. The three kings of Orient should be given regular food
and rest breaks and must wear face masks because of the likelihood of dust
being kicked up by the camels’ hoofs.

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for infants, both because of the risk of
allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore artificial fur, a cellular
blanket or a micro-fleece should be lent as an alternative. Please note
that only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check
and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. You will
be required to show a clearance certificate and provide three forms of
identification before rocking can commence.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load any
donkey is permitted to carry. Included in the guidelines is how often you
must feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required in a four-hour
plodding period. Because of the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary
and Joseph are required to wear face masks. It is politically incorrect to
refer to the donkey as "little" because to comment on his height is an
infringement of his equine rights.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

This is seriously flawed. Under the Equal Opportunities policy, it is
inappropriate to comment on the ruddiness of any part of the reindeer's
anatomy, and his exclusion from the Reindeer Games would be considered
discriminatory and subject to disciplinary action.


While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The National Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and
safety regulations to insist that its members watch their flocks without
appropriate seating being provided. Therefore we decree that benches,
stools and/or orthopaedic chairs be made available. Because of inclement
weather at this time of year it would be safer if the workers could watch
their flocks via CCTV in heated shepherd observation huts.

Finally, the angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his or her
glory all around she or he must ascertain that all shepherds have been
issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of
Ultraviolet-A, Ultraviolet-B and Glory.

Any questions?

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[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13SaSh_xW2M&feature=related"]Jingle Bells[/url]

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87wGHfAi17Q"]We Three Kings[/url]

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg3GVrTmK24"]The Rocking Song - Odd Video[/url]

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRqi-t5IBDI"]Little Donkey[/url]

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLf0DDt3Xiw"]Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer[/url]

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyzl9PDAQns"]While Shepherds Watch[/url]

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  • 3 weeks later...

[color="#8B0000"][font="Palatino Linotype"]This is great! My whole family was laughing. They are so government sounding and sound like something they would do, too! All you needed was the EPA complaining about all the activity adding to ozone depletion[/font][/color] :)

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