Muratus del Mur

Remember me when i'll forget myself

8 posts in this topic

My dear friends,

This post is not related to md, hence the category i post in. It is related just to myself, and is written just to those that, regardless when, could have said they were my friends at some point in time. I am not the 'popular' type of person, and md was my escape to be myself without people knowing all my faces, or that i was actually very very shy..and much more :) Writing this here, makes much more sense than writing it on facebook or other places..i had no facebook before md btw :)

Life keeps making jokes with me. Its true i cheated death enough times to deserve the worst revenge from it, and i enjoyed it, still do, so i can't complain. Probably the most painful joke life is doing to me is that the person i love most has issues that make my love pointless and powerless. Also, the things i love doing keep finding a way to exit my life one by one, one way or an other..thats why i adapt and find new things to enjoy. For example before becoming a coder, i was absolutely convinced that my way in life will be related to art, sculpting and such..but hey, i ended up sculpting code. Coding passion started to find its end too, so i shifted to sculpt minds. When it comes to minds, one of my "masterpiece" was my own...and that might be a story worth learning from, if i will ever be able to tell it to someone. Apparently, this thing that i enjoy doing, controlling my thoughts and the way they cooperate towards a purpose, is about to end too. Over the last years i had several memory issues that i ignored so far. I even thought they where gone at some point, or that they are just limited to certain subjects, and i missed to see the bigger picture and the evolution of these issues. However, at a closer look at what is going on behind this thick skull of mine, i noticed that my mind is compensating the lack of memory by using most ingenious techniques and trying desperately to make things seem normal in my daily life. Things are not ok sadly. When i stop compensating the incredible fast memory degradation, total disaster shows its true face. I started being a terrible coder, that just has sparks of genius from time to time, but overall nothing like i was a few years ago. I started forgetting people faces to the point i am sometimes unable to recognize people i already know. Speaking still works great,as long as i don't actually speak, but write. If i need to speak out loud, i am using a lot more thinking process than ever, nearly ten times more than when writing. Again, i manage to successfully hide all this so far, and except people that see  me constantly, nobody noticed it. 

so why disclosing this secret? Many years ago i had drug issues, severe..drug..issues. i managed to become clean again and fully recover on my own, but in that period, except a select few, nobody  knew. Word went out fast later on, but only after i managed to fight this issue,not when i needed someone to help me. All this because i decided not to tell anyone. Now, my problem is that if i am not telling what is going on, i might forget to tell all this later on.
You noticed my behaviour over the last years in md, and very few understood it. I tried to narrow down what the problem is, and i discovered that i am fully able to do tasks that i can finish the same day, but i am totally incompetent to deal with things that can't be finished within the same work session. Again, this is related to damaged memory. Also, regarding md, i stopped being able to do "murish" decisions or rule, because i might have the right ideas at any given point in time, but they don't remember previous thoughts so i have to rethink each situation over and over again. I managed to hide this quite well, by thinking about each given situati on "fresh" without depending on memory but on thinking ptinciples...and yes it worked, its an awesome thing to do btw.
Its a cruel joke to have a lot of mental abilities that could have been able to help me solve any medical situation, but now the problem is the mind itself. Could have been worse..i could have been delusional or so, gladly i am not, i just head towards total oblivion...slowly..but too fast for my way of life.
The memory loss is not predictable...sometimes i have great memory, but forget random stuff, other times i just forget what i was saying or why i was about to say, like it happened right now (i am trying to write this for the past few hours btw)
Many times i remember what i forgot, quite clear and sudden, but most times i forget that i forgot lol:)
I think i will never be able to transcribe the notes for the second book sadly..at least thats the current reality. 
My mind is declining faster than i am able to adapt.  Thinking based on general concepts and giving up details helped a lot, but adapting my way of living to reduce stress and getting much much more organized is something that i can't finish doing in useful time, or at least before i will forget what plans i have for fighting this.
Maybe this explains many things about me in the recent years.

I wish i manage to meet some of the people in md that i learned so much from, while i am still Mur, not when i will become mur's shadow... so my efforts in the following years will be towards a different life, one that might help me live and experience the things i didn't do so far. 
i think there are a lot more to say but i am tired and i fear i start repeating myself. Btw, being tired or having too much work was generally an excuse to hide away from people when i knew my mind was unable to be strong enough to function when scrutinized by other minds..sorry about that lie.
Btw i am more open to talk about "secrets" , non md, than ever, because i know they will eventually vanish with my mind, so i need to find them a good host before this happens one day. No worries, i have several years at my disposal, maybe 10 or more :) i dont really know.

I just needed to tell someone all this, without that someone to get to personal or close to me, because at some point i would have ended up being distant with that person, like i did so many times with so many people in md

Thank you all for your time

--Mur

ps. no worries about md, it will be in good hands with chew, i trust him more than myself

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I can't transcribe into words how I feel... sadly, I don't think anyone could. But I guess that won't stop me from trying...

I have always respected you Mur. I have always admired your mind, and above even that, your soul. My greatest wish is that I can enjoy a six pack of beer with you and one last good talk before I die.

And in case there is some confusion, allow me to alleviate it. You have never wronged me Mur. Everything you ever did for me, by choice or subconsciously, by direct or indirect action... my friend, it was all a gift.

So go ahead Mur. Live life as it was meant to be. And if ever you forget everything, remember this one unchanging truth.

Fang Lycanus Archbane is a better man for having met Muratus Del Mur. Fang regrets nothing of his time invested. Fang took all the hatred with a smile because Mur was always and will always be worth it.

Fang can die happy now, bittersweet as it might be... Because for a few mere years, he knew better. Fang knew Mur.

Edited by Fang Archbane

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I read your post MUR

This make me need to post ,, but I am lost at what to say

The only thing that come to my mind is change your avatar from the dark one you use now
and take back the detective mouse ... it's colorfull it's giving cheers and hope

 

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Life is an interesting journey, carrying you in all kind of places...and memories keep our selves 'sane'. We're not dogs, to have each day anew, but sometimes it's good to kill some memories.

maybe you can become healthier by letting go.

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When I was logging in today I had a feeling that I have to check the forum. Didn´t do it for a long time. Reading this as the first post which is of interest to me is the answer for my intuition. One thing I just learned in the last week of October is what came into my mind reading your long post.

Go into your heart!

Things are changing very fast on earth and the most important is the way we are living right now. EVERY single person I know had major changes in life in the last 12 months, myself included. Now I learn what I always knew but never put enough awareness onto. Everything starts from the heart and we are what is there. There are ways to reconnect with your heart and reconnect the brain with the heart, this is crucial. If you need a direction to look, take this one. If you don´t find anything ask me, I will give what I have. 

I wish I could be a more direct help for you but as far as I can see right now ... we are really far away from each other no matter what direction I look from.

All the best

 

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