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Windy

The Chronicles of Windy

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I've reedited my story again and I hope it flows better and I hope you enjoy it. Please ignore the other chapters. This is chapter 1 combined with chapter 2. The other chapters are being rewritten. I wish there was an easy way to double space this for easier reading for you. Enjoy!

[center][b]CHAPTER 1[/b][/center]
[b] THE SISTERHOOD[/b]

My pub, The Wind & Rain was empty of customers except for eleven beautiful women, all members of The Sisterhood, a silly women’s group I created on a whim. Today, we are adding to our number.
Sisters’ Lintara and Raine carefully placed eleven ivory handled swords, sharp tips pointed inward on a round table, leaving one empty space; on an adjacent table lay an identical sword. In the circle of the swords, a large blood red candle burned, with a wine filled goblet next to it. I put several ornate goblets on a tray and carried them over to the table, placing one goblet between each sword.
I raised a hand to command everyone’s attention. "[i]Hear ye, Hear ye! Sisters harken unto me! The Sisterhood now commences! Sister's come raise your swords[/i]!" The women gathered around the table and dramatically raised their swords in the air and then down until the hilts were next to their noses.
I turned to face the woman seated at the bar and raised a hand to point at her. "[i]Sisters! Cast your eyes upon our newest inductee! What say ye unto her[/i]?" The women turned as one to face the newcomer. "[i]Welcome young woman! Tell us your name and state your purpose[/i]."
The woman nervously slid off her stool and stood, pinching her skirts between her fingers. "I am called Handy Pockets and my purpose is to join The Sisterhood!"
I beckoned to her with my hand. "[i]Come forth, young woman and swear an oath to us![/i]" Handy Pockets straightened her spine and walked toward us. I handed her the sword from the other table and said in a commanding voice. "Take this sword which is a sign of your fidelity, a sign that we are much more than our good looks suggest! A sign that we as women can kick butt as well as any man and better than some men think they can!"
Handy Pockets looked at me in bewilderment and then raised her sword to mimic the others and whispered, "Seriously, Windy?" I bent toward her slightly and whispered out of the corner of my mouth. "Just go with it!" Handy Pockets whispered back, "Okay, if you say so!" I winked. "Trust me." I cleared my throat to get back to the drama of the ceremony.
"Now repeat after me, Handy."
"I, state your name."
"I, state your name." She repeated.
"No! Your name!" I hissed. The sword-wielding Sisters giggled and snickered.
"Oh! Um...I, Handy Pockets.”
"Do solemnly swear to do my Sisterly duty."
"I have duties? Um...I mean, do solemnly swear to do my Sisterly duty."
"Which is to help my Mistress when needed."
"What Mistress?" Handy Pockets looked around to see me raise an well-arched eyebrow.
"Oh! Um...which is to help my Mistress when needed."
I gave her a warning look and continued.
"And to smooch all men who are unfortunate to cross my path."
"Really?"
"Really!"
"Cool beans! And to smooch all men who are unfortunate to cross my path!"
"So help me, Mur!"
"What's a Mur?" Handy Pockets asked and gulped at my glare. She sighed resignedly and finished repeating her oath. "Fine! So help me, Mur!"
We placed our swords down with a resounding clack on the table and faced Handy once again. I took her sword and placed it in the empty spot with the other swords on the table and picked up the goblet sitting next to the candle, handing it to her and then picked up my own goblet as the Sisters picked up theirs.
"My Sisters! May I introduce our twelfth Sister? Sister Handy Pockets!" The Sisters chanted in tandem. "[i]Hail, Sister Handy[/i]!" We drained our wine in one gulp and then tossed our goblets over our shoulders, which landed on the floor with a cacophony of clangs and clatters.
Handy stared at us as if we had all lost our minds. I grinned and motioned for her to do the same. Shrugging, she gulped her wine and looked at her goblet before tossing it over her shoulder.
"Congratulations! You are now part of The Sisterhood family!" I pounded Sister Handy Pockets on the back, knocking her off balance before the other Sisters surrounded us both in a group hug, shrieking and jumping up and down like girls in a slumber party.
Sagewoman pulled off her ceremonial robe and ruffled her long black hair with one hand. “Thank Mur, that’s over. Can we feast now? I’m starving!” She grinned sheepishly. “I skipped brunch knowing you’d have a spread waiting for us, Windy.”
The rest of the Sisters took off their robes as well and headed for the bartop, which was laden with food. They weren’t silly enough to ask to wait for permission. Sagewoman shrugged and began to pile a plate full.
I headed for the door and unlocked it to let in the riff-raff that were my beloved customers and the real party began. Anything that required copious amount of food and drink was fair game and everyone knew it. When I put a spread out, I go whole hog. It’s one of my gifts.
The very next day, I was busy sweeping the floor and wiping down tables from last night’s debauchery to get things ready for The Sisterhood’s daily brunch, when Raine burst into the pub in a flurry of billowy skirts and cloak.
“Oh! Mistress Windy! You will never guess what just happened to me!” This sounded important as she had just addressed me as Mistress. The Sisters never address me as such unless during a ceremony.
“Sit down Raine, before you fall down.” I ordered, leaning my broom against a table. “Now breathe and tell me what happened to you.” Raine paced back and forth, wringing her hands together over and over. “I was walking through Sanctuary’s View when this man jumped out, grabbed me, and planted a huge kiss on me!”
I gasped, smacking a hand to my chest. “The cad! The Scoundrel! Call out the Guard! How dare a man kiss you?” I laughed thinking she’d laugh too.
“Windy! This is no joke! The man kissed me and then ran off, laughing real evil like…but ends up coughing up a lung. It was very strange.”
“I don’t see what’s so strange, this is Magicduel after all.” I replied. I should have kept my big know-it-all mouth shut.
“It seems like I saw the man’s face, but now I don’t recall who it was!” She continued. “He even gave me a gift before he run off!” Raine opened up a cloth pouch and pulled out a single white rose, which looked suspiciously like one of mine in the garden out back.
I shrieked. “Oh My Dear Mur! Is that one of my prized roses?” Raine followed me as I turned and sprinted through my kitchen to the back yard. Sure enough, several buds were clipped from one of my bushes.
“I’ll kill him! I’ll cut off his hands and then kill him! Curse this evil doer!” I shook my fist into the air and thunder rolled through the heavens, which happens when I lose my temper. I’m an elemental and everyone in the realm knows that when the weather changes drastically, to head for cover.
Raine grabbed my arm and dragged me back inside cursing and screeching before I could do any damage. She knew I could whip up a storm like no other when riled. It was a wonder her ears didn’t drop off from the language I was using. Sailors and Pirates would have been proud.
We got back into the pub area to find the rest of the Sisters had arrived early, very early, as I hadn’t even put out the food and drink. They took one look at our faces and new something was up.
“Sisters! Something evil and dastardly is afoot!” I shouted, pulling my arm from Raine’s tight grip. “Someone’s head is going to roll!”
The Sister’s collectively gasped and started asking questions all at once. I stuck my finger and thumb into my mouth and blew out a shrill whistle to quiet them all down. It was funny to watch them all jump.
Sister Lintara asked what was on everyone’s mind. “What evil and dastardly thing?” Sister Raine paced the floor and blurted, “I’ve been attacked!” The women murmured amongst themselves, as this has never happened to one of them before. The entire Sisterhood was respected and knew how to inflict collateral damage.
“It’s true!” Raine exclaimed. “This man jumped out from behind a tree at Sanctuary’s View, grabbed me and kissed me soundly!”
The Sisters exploded with laughter. It took them awhile to calm down. Sister Keida piped up. “Oh you poor girl! You say a man kissed you and you survived?” More laughter filled the room.
Sister Sagewoman laughed the loudest out of the bunch. “Great Mur! We can’t have men jumping out at us, willy-nilly! Call out the hounds!” She said shaking a fist. “We’ll find the bastard!” The room full of laughing women got worse as tears streamed down their faces.
Sister Lintara quit laughing suddenly and got a serious look on her face. “Excuse me? Excuse me! But isn’t the smooching OUR job?” The room got quiet as the implications sunk in. “Do you think this is an isolated incident?” another asked anxiously.
It was then that Innocence, an intangible being and Magicduel’s roving and sneaky reporter slunk into the pub. “I smelled a story all the way from Willow’s Walk! Imagine me finding it ended up here! What’s up?”
Just what we need, I thought. A small incident to be blown out of proportion by the media. I had a feeling that things were going to go from bad to worse.
Innocence leaned onto a wood pillar, pulled out a notepad, and yanked a quill from what her hair, and poised it above a page. “Who, What, Where, When, and better yet, Why?”
“Nothing!” I said, waving my hands and trying to get rid of the reporter. “I am sure this is all just an isolated incident by one of our many admirers and recipients!” I bit my lip at my blunder, but it was too late.
“Ooh!” Innocence crooned, jumping at my mistake like a shark to bait. “That tidbit sounds so juicy! Do tell!” The entire Sisterhood stared talking at once. Innocence put two fingers into her mouth and blew out a shrill whistle, silencing everyone. Evidently, she likes making people jump out of their skin as well.
Sister Raine stood up a bit disconcerting at all the attention and took a deep breath. “Well… I was walking through Sanctuary’s View when a man jumped out from behind a tree, grabbed me, kissed me soundly, gave me a rose and then ran off!”
To give her credit, Innocence didn’t laugh like a hyena, snicker, snort, or lose her reporter demeanor, although one eyelid twitched. “Get out! You say a strange man jumped out and kissed you? What did he look like?” Her hand poised over her notepad.
“That’s the odd part!” Raine exclaimed. “I don’t remember! It’s like my memory is blocked or something!” Innocence scribbled into the notepad furiously, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth.
“And then what happened?” Innocence continued her inquisition. “Well, it’s the darndest thing.” Raine said. “The bandit gave me a white rose and tried to make this evil laugh and ended coughing instead. I swear I knew his voice! But I can’t remember that either!”
Innocence scribbled some more, muttering. “Hmm! The perpetrator handed his victim a white rose, choked on an evil laugh and ran off.” Innocence looked up then with a satisfied smirk. “This is great stuff! It just writes itself! It’s front page news!”
I got uncomfortable then. I knew how her mind worked. I might have well been trying to stop a rampaging stampede. “Come on now Inno, this isn’t a big news story. Let’s not try to get ahead of ourselves. Its only one incident!”
“Ha! I can feel it in my gut!” Innocence exclaimed, putting her quill back into her hair. “This is news! Front page news!” and hurried out the door before I could protest any further. Mur forbid if she didn’t get the story in the paper before the ink dried. Edited by Windy

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Okay. This looks lonely. Critique away...but not too harshly. :P I hope you liked it and are thirsting for the next chapter.

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It is rather short to be a whole chapter of a book, isn't it? And there were a few errors.

Also, you had told us that Mur said you weren't allowed to use him, yet you mentioned him in the form of a God. I didn't think he wanted to be used at all? Also, I would probably like it more it was based on more than a group of women whose only goal, seemingly, is to kiss men they come across. Good luck with the rest however.

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I always did wonder how sisters in the sisterhood became sisters! Though I am wondering about the next chapter I do have to agree with Isabella in saying that this is pretty short for an entire chapter. But then again I have seen far shorter. Eitherway bring out the next Chp!

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Yes, it's short. It's a work in progress. I had to use Muratus because to put anyone else in his spot didn't work. I hope he doesn't feel offended.

CHAPTER 2
Trouble with a Capital K
It was Saturday, The Sisterhood’s brunch day. I was busy sweeping the floor of the pub and wiping the tables off to get things ready, when Sister Raine burst into the pub. “Oh My Freaking Mur, Mistress Windy! You will never guess what just happened to me!” This sounded important as she had just addressed me as Mistress.
“Sit down Raine, before you fall down.” I ordered, leaning my broom against a table. “Now breathe and tell me what happened to you.”
Raine looked upset and wrung her hands together over and over. “I was walking through Sanctuary’s View when this man jumped out, grabbed me, and planted a huge kiss on me!”
I gasped, smacking a hand to my chest. “The cad! The Scoundrel! Call out the Guard! How dare a man kiss you?” I laughed thinking she’d laugh too.
“Windy! This is no joke! The man kissed me and then ran off, laughing real evil like…but ends up coughing up a lung. It was very strange.”
“I don’t see what’s so strange, this is Magicduel after all.” I replied. I should have kept my big know-it-all mouth shut.
“It seems like I saw the man’s face, but now I don’t recall who it was!” She continued. “He even gave me a gift before he run off!” Raine pulled out a single white rose, which suspiciously looked like one of mine in the garden out back.
I shrieked. “Oh My Dear Mur! Is that one of my prized roses?” Raine jumped out of her seat and followed me as I ran through the kitchen to the back yard. Sure enough, several buds were clipped off my prized rose bushes.
“I’ll kill him! Curse this evil doer!” I shook my fist into the air and thunder rolled through the heavens with my elemental powers. Raine grabbed my arm and dragged me back inside before I could do any damage.
We got back into the pub area to find the rest of the Sisters had arrived and I had not prepared any snacks or drinks. They took one look at our faces and new something was up.
“Sisters! Something dastardly is afoot!” I exclaimed, pulling my arm from Raine’s tight grip.
The Sister’s collectively gasped and started asking questions all at the same time. Raine had to quiet them all down as they all found a seat. Sister Lintara looked around at her fellow Sisters and then looked at us. “Exactly what happened?”
Sister Raine paced the floor. “It seems that Raine has been attacked on the way to the meeting tonight.” The women murmured amongst themselves, as this has never happened before.
“It’s true!” Raine exclaimed. “This man jumped out from behind a tree at Sanctuary’s View, grabbed me and kissed me soundly!”
The Sisters exploded with laughter. It took them awhile to calm down. Sister Keida pipes up. “Oh you poor girl! You say a man kissed you and you survived?” More laughter filled the room.
Sister Sagewoman laughed the loudest out of the bunch. “Great Mur! We can’t have men jumping out at us, willy-nilly! Call out the hounds!” she said shaking a fist. “We’ll find the bastard!” The room full of laughing women got worse as tears streamed down their faces.
Sister Lintara quit laughing suddenly and got a serious look on her face. “Excuse me? But isn’t the smooching OUR job?” The room got quiet as the implications sunk in. “Do you think this is an isolated incident?” another asked anxiously.
Innocence, Magicduel’s roving and sneaky reporter slunk into the pub. “I smelled a story all the way from Willow’s Walk! What’s up?”
Just what we need, I thought. A small incident to be blown out of proportion by the media.
Innocence leaned onto a wood pillar, pulled out a notepad, yanked a quill from her hair, and poised it above a page. “Who, What, Where, When, and better yet, Why?” She demanded.
“Nothing!” I said, trying to get rid of her. “I am sure this was just an isolated incident by one of our many admirers and recipients!” I bit my lip, but it was too late.
“Ooh!” Innocence crooned. “That tidbit sounds juicy! Do tell!” The entire Sisterhood stared talking at once. Innocence put two fingers into her mouth and blew out a shrill whistle, silencing everyone.
Sister Raine stood up; all eyes following her. “Well, I was walking through Sanctuary’s View when a man jumped out from behind a tree, grabbed me, kissed me soundly, gave me a rose and then ran off!”
To give her credit, Innocence didn’t laugh or lose her reporter demeanor, although one of her eyelids twitched. “Get out! You say a strange man jumped out and kissed you? What did he look like?”
“That’s the odd part!” Raine exclaimed. “I don’t remember! It’s like my memory is blocked or something!” Innocence scribbled into the notepad furiously, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth.
“And then what happened?” Innocence continued to enquire.
“Well, it’s the darndest thing.” Raine said. “The bandit gave me a single white rose and He tried to make this evil laugh and ended coughing instead. I swear I knew his voice! But I can’t remember that either!”
Innocence scribbled some more, muttering as she wrote. “Hmm! The perpetrator choked on an evil laugh and ran off.” She looked up then with a satisfied smirk on her face. “This is some good stuff! It just writes itself!”
I got uncomfortable then. I knew how her mind worked. “Now Inno, this isn’t a big news story. It’s only once incident!”
“Ha! I can feel it in my gut!” Innocence exclaimed, putting her quill back in her hair. “This is news! Front page news!” She was gone before I could protest further. Edited by Windy

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Again it is short and there are a few errors. And I was under the impression "Innocence" was neither male nor female? Maybe I have her confused with someone else.

And I wasn't "tramping" you, Windy... Whatever that means.. But you asked for your work to be critiqued.

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If she wanted to be nasty and actually break your ego like glass at a Jewish [?] wedding, she could have. You asked for critiquing, and you got it.

Edit: Also, Innocence is indeed meant to be genderless. The entirety of Innocence is that they are an intangible. Edited by Curiose

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I took some creative license. I didn't think calling Innocense "IT" was approriate. While I do have to be true to the name of Characters and Places, I can tweek things a bit. I like your expression, "break your ego like glass at a Jewish wedding", Curiose. Nice Simile! :D I don't really know how long a chapter should be. Do you happen to know?

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If you would prefer not to use "it" there are some genderless words that can be used (wiki knows all), though these aren't officially accepted terms as of yet.

If Mur has specifically commented that you weren't allowed to use him, I see no lee way in that, and so you should remove him from it, even if that means rewriting that part of the story. Words hold power, remember that.


chapter length, quick google search produces this; http://allwritefictionadvice.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/chapter-novel-lengths.html
skimming over it, it seems fairly good and helpful with that

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Well, I think it is a nice and entertaining effort... And she has to use Mur's name in the oath because that is the real Sisterhood oath. I would think he just doesn't want to be used as an actual character. That seems common sense to me.

I always find it better to encourage people than the opposite. But that's just me.

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The general idea of writing this, I am all for, and I hold admiration for your sitting and writing it, so I don't want you to get me wrong with my comments.

But a name is a name, you should not use it when a person requests such. If he then went and said to you it's fine in this context, then fine, but otherwise...

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I pray that Mur will read this and let me know if it's okay. I just couldn't cook up a wizard because there isn't one...he did say be true to the characters....:P

Is everyone ready for chapter 3?

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Here is Chapter 3. It is short as well. After the ideas empty out of my head, it makes sense to start a new chapter. I don't know. I'm still learning how to write. My Muse has been busy with her own book. Here it is!

CHAPTER 3
Stop the Presses!
It was mid-morning and I was stocking up all the bowls with beer-nuts and kettle-roasted pretzels to get ready for the afternoon crowd. Princess Katt, (not Royalty)Lintara, and Sagewoman, rushed into the pub waving The Golden Globe Gazette, Magicduel’s only Newspaper in the air.
“Windy! You are not going to believe this!” Sagie bellowed as she waved the paper in my face. I snatched the paper from her hands and gasped when I saw the front headline. Lintara and Katt looked shaken and were talking so excitedly; I had to shush them so I could read the paper in peace.
Kissing Bandit Stalks The Sisterhood
By Innocence| The Golden Globe Gazette
Stop the presses! Magicduel has a Kissing Bandit on the loose and he is stalking The Sisterhood! Sister Raine reported that she was walking through Sanctuary’s View when an unknown man jumped out from behind a tree, grabbed her, and smooched her silly.

Sister Raine exclaimed that she thought she knew him, but for some reason couldn’t recall his face or recognize his voice as he ran off , choking on an evil laugh! Sister Raine also mentioned that before the bandit ran off he presented her with a single white rose.

Is this Kissing Bandit putting a whammy on women? Is he horning in on The Sisterhood’s smooching antics? Is this sinister bandit an amateur evil laugher? Is this bandit also a sinister thief of prized roses? Everyone knows our beloved Pub owner, Windy, and also Mistress of The Sisterhood cultivates White Roses in her garden. So, I ask you dear readers, which Sister will be next?

“Oh My Dear Mur!” I exclaimed. “This will surely cause an uproar in the realm or make The Sisterhood a laughing stock!” The three women went off on a tangent and sounded like a bunch of hens in an uproar.
Dragual Monarth, Princess Katt’s husband, came skipping down the stairs from the rooms I rent out, no doubt looking for his coffee. “What is all this noise about?” He demanded. Katt stopped him at the bottom of the stairs and shoved her copy of the Gazette into his hands.
Dragual shook the paper a bit and then began to read the Headline. It was not long before he threw his head back and roared with laughter. Katt smacked his chest. “It’s not funny!” she exclaimed defensively, stomping a foot.
“Are you serious?” he asked still laughing. “The Sisterhood is getting their comeuppance and you expect me to be shocked?” Katt smacked his chest in protest.
“Ooh! This is serious! A man is sneaking around and has accosted one of us! We don’t sneak around when we do our smooching!” Katt crossed her arms at her chest and glowered.
Dragual got a weird look on his face for a second and then smiled. Running his fingers into her hair, he kissed her on the nose.
“I’m sorry, my Love. But this is funny to me and I’m sure it will be funny to all the other men you women have smooched. Trust me.” He said, smacking the Gazette in one hand before crushing it in his fist. “This will blow over. You need not worry.”
The Sisters shook their heads, not agreeing with Dragual’s sentiment. “I for one, am a strong woman and I can beat most men in a fair fight!” Sagewoman injected. “Let this ‘Kissing Bandit’ just try to sneak a smooch from me! He’ll be sorry!” Lintara nodded in agreement. She wasn’t going to be his next victim either. Edited by Windy

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I liked this story. The chapters could probably be a bit longer, but since I can't write coherently myself, I cant judge too much! :P
I agree though, that the characters were captures pretty well there. (and while Mur's name is used as an oath in-game as you've written, I think it fits.
Not sure about how it would need to be changed though, as this is more an "external writing".)

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I have no idea how long a chapter is supposed to be, but I aim to find out. The hard part is adding to each chapter. I've neglected things a wee bit. I know Inno has no gender, but how to write it?

Chapter 4 is short as well.

CHAPTER 4

The Kissing Bandit

The bandit leaned against the wall of Willow’s Shop, his arms crossed, waiting for his next victim. The sun shining brightly as it usually did in Magiduel, even though it was night. Eternal sunlight was the curse of the realm.
“I’ll show her!” he thought. “I’ll show her good! She’ll never doubt me again!” His smug look dropped from his face and worry took its place. He hoped she would forgive him later.
The bandit slowly smiled as two women came into view. Sagewoman was walking by Willow’s Shop with Lintara, chatting away about “Critter Speak”. The bandit grinned as he watched the two women. He was going to kill two birds with one stone. Fortune was his Lady tonight.
He stepped forward in front of his prey and greeted each woman, exchanging pleasantries. As darkness fell, the bandit quickly zapped each woman with a whammy of a Mind Sweep, which was his specialty.
Sagewoman and Lintara blinked with a start to find themselves thoroughly smooched, each holding a single white rose in her hands. Evil-coughing laughter rang out in the night. He really must practice his evil laughter he thought as he listened to the women scream in frustration at being had. Three down, nine more Sisters to go.
I was busy serving my guests and breaking up fights, when Sagewoman and Lintara banged the door open, their faces red with outrage. Their faces said it all. The din in the pub ceased. You could have heard a pin drop.
“Windy! He got us!” Lintara yelled, showing her white rose.
“I’ll be a Knator’s Uncle! I didn’t even see it coming!” shouted Sagewoman. I quickly served Nadrolski his Murweiser and hustled both women to the only booth in the pub.
“The Booth? Really?” Sagewoman complained. Lintara sighed in resignation as a sound not unlike the “Whodunit theme” filled the room. It only went off when someone said those words. The entire room chanted, “What’s that sound?” Nad’s lifted his beer, as did everyone else with his or her drink in salute.
“The Booth” was an order I had made with my favorite carpenter; a Dwarf named Gosney. I evidently forgot about the Earth human’s April Fools Day, so Gosney and his cohorts decided to play a prank and somehow charmed the booth to set it off.
The booth was gorgeously carved and beyond my expectations. Sure, I love ornate furniture, but Gosney and his crew really outdid themselves. The booth was carved from Lorerootian oak and depicted various creatures in the realm. It seats about 8 people and Mur forbid if the person in the middle has to visit the Privy in a hurry. We have yet to figure out where the sound is coming from.
The room was filled with anticipation as the women began their stories. “We were walking together to come here for a drink.” Lintara said, her chin quivering. “Sagewoman was explaining to me how ‘Critter Speak’ worked.”
Sagewoman jumped in. “It was just getting dark and suddenly there was a man in front of us.” She frowned in confusion. “I remember talking to him and I know that I knew him personally…”
“I even remember what we were discussing!” Lintara interjected. “But suddenly, there we were with these white roses in our hands and no memory of what happened!”
“Whoever it is sure knows how to kiss, that’s for sure!” Sagewoman finished, touching her lips. “But no I’ve no memory of who it was!” The crowd in the pub broke into laughter, making Lintara blush with embarrassment. Sagie was not amused and glared, instantly making everyone hastily turn around.
I’ll be damned if Innocence didn’t pop out from a corner of the room, her notepad filled with hastily scribbled notes. I forgot she was here having drinks with Maebius and the rest of the Marind Bell Council. Weird thing is we always forget she’s around. That’s scary.
“My, my, my!” Innocence cooed as she sashayed up to us. “The Kissing Bandit strikes again! This just keeps getting better and better!” Cocking her head to one side, she looked at the Sisters with a gleam in her eyes. “Care to add anything else, Ladies?” Sagie and Lintara both got beet-red in the face and hollered a resounding “No!”
Maebius, a good friend and collector of hats came up with a concerned look on his face. “Windy, I’m worried. Perhaps the rest of the Sisters should be accompanied by escorts?”
Sagie snorted. “As If! The Kissing Bandit just gave us huge whammies! What makes you think an escort will make any difference?”
Maebius sighed. “Well it’s was worth a shot. How many people do you think this Kissing Bandit can whammy at the same time?”
“I for one, do not want to find out.” I said fingering my stolen white roses with a frown. “But I do know that when the perpetrator is found, he’ll be very sorry he messed with my prized roses!” Edited by Windy

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There seems to be even more mistakes with these last two chapters. And when I read these, I get the feeling you are gearing your work towards older children, yet the content seems to be of an adult theme since it is based around kissing in the setting of a bar. So I suppose I am a bit conflicted with that.

Yes most characters seem to be captured well,with the exception of Innocence who I believe is still genderless in MagicDuel, but not in your story. Which leads to a couple more points. I'm not sure the reader needs to be taught on the meaning of "seemingly unknown" as you went into a bit too much detail there I think and you said in the last chapter that the sun was quickly setting into darkness as was natural for the world of Magic Duel... I thought the opposite was true, that the sun never sets and that is why darkness and night never really happen here because one never sees the moon. I think my character has even come across an older character whose mission is to find artifacts from the moon goddess but finds it difficult because night is so rare. I know you wanted to keep thinks very authentic to the game so I thought I would bring that up.

Also, the last chapter, you began as someone else. You began as "the bandit". I actually really liked that you wrote from that perspective and was disappointed that you abandoned that persona rather quickly into the chapter and changed back into the persona of Windy. It seemed to be a rather radical change in the middle of a chapter without any break to give warning to the reader. Even a decent space with a few stars to represent a change could have worked for a transitioning since both parts were far too short for decent chapters to stand alone.

And I want to say this before I am called out on anything, these are merely my opinions and given to offer help. That is all. I'm not trying to be mean or critical on your project. I think it is nice that you are trying to branch out with your imagination in this manner. I just think it needs a bit of work. And I am still not a fan of the basis for your story, but I do wish you good luck on your endeavor.

Oh, and a small question. The setting and characters are all game based... but is the plot as well? Is this based on a true event that happened? Or is that part made up? And is the newspaper portion true as well? I would be interested in looking into that if it is an actual thing in the game.

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[quote name='Isabella Finch' timestamp='1338808356' post='113360']
Oh, and a small question. The setting and characters are all game based... but is the plot as well? Is this based on a true event that happened? Or is that part made up? And is the newspaper portion true as well? I would be interested in looking into that if it is an actual thing in the game.
[/quote]

I was under the impression that it was mostly "faked" with some real MD elements.

For example the MD Newspaper is true, it was created a while back but is no longer maintained. You can see old issues here: http://magicduel.com/pages/info.mdnewspaper.php

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RE: Newspaper, it still "exists" so to speak, just not maintained as Chew said, if there is enough of a creative spark from people to write things regularly (idk, monthly or quarterly) then it could be revived without much difficulty, the issue was ever having people produce regularly. If there is interest from anyone to either manage the project to inject life into it, or to write regularly for it, feel free to message me.


As per the story;
I would ask (for lack of a comment from him, and I'm not trying to voice his opinion, I'd never do that) you to remove/replace the use of "Mur" until he might say otherwise, you should not base being able to use it purely from speculation about it. If he asked not to be included, that should be respected until he might say something allowable - I have every intention to raise this point until either the term "Mur" is removed, or he has responded about the use of it.
Equally, I'd hope that nobody else objected to their names being used.

Agreed with Finch about her comments, especially about inputting a separator between the POV of bandit, and then from Windy.
As well as that, there should, in my opinion, be a lot more description. As far as I've read there is very minimal scene description - detail what the pub actually looks like, the interior, some background to it maybe, also the place that sage and lint get 'attacked'. For myself I don't like fully first-person stories overly, much prefer when it's from the perspective of certain characters, but slightly more omniscient. The description should also extend to the characters themselves, like in the first chapter there could be something like; "...the sisters, dressed in robes of white and an azure belt, surrounded the table..." even something like that would give an added element to the story I believe (I have no idea if you lot have an outfit or such, just an example).
The expansion of the text would fill out the chapters more as well, there seems to be comments about them all being short, though there isn't actually a pre-requisite for length. Saying that, if you choose to edit in this way, think through where you add the detail in, you don't want to overwhelm the reader with too much detail at the start, but you also don't want to leave them thinking as to what everything is like at a later point.
The other thing to bare in mind with description is to give the reader a little imagination, you shouldn't detail everything, but let them fill in the gaps of some parts - this will immerse the reader into the story more and make them feel more involved in it.

Whilst you don't have to conform to it, that I understand the standard format for talking is that you start a new line/paragraph when a new person speaks, there's parts where it's all in the same chunk (looking at the first chapter atm, just before the Kets induction), this is done for clarity I believe, so that the reader can differentiate between speakers. Possibly also a little about how the people are speaking; "...she confidently said...", "...she said quietly/hesitantly..." - but not after everything. You have done this a bit in later chapters, but it's good to keep in mind, all the same.

Up to you if you want to take any of that on board.

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